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rachel marie.

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she goes left and you stay right. [14 Dec 2007|02:23pm]
tick-tock, you're not a clock. you're a time bomb, baby.

every year like clockwork you have this weird freak out where you feel that you HAVE to be in a relationship and you jump into one with the first girl you get your hands on. do you realize that you've consistently done it for 3 winters straight? you're so predictable!

so next time you ask to get matching tattoos and i tell you that i don't trust you and in turn you complain that you've fucked up too many times with me, do yourself a favor and DONT PROVE YOURSELF RIGHT.

the worst thing you could do to yourself is be what you say you're not.

i'm not angry, i'm amused. flabbergasted. oh, and over it!

we'll always be friends. but i will never, ever, ever take you seriously. i don't care how many birthday presents you buy me, how many nice things you say, how many records you give me, because the minute i don't give you the attention you crave, you seek it elsewhere. you can't buy integrity, or trust for that matter. you are the loneliest boy i have ever met.

oh! sidenote: my new favorite activity is telling the idiots that hit on me as i walk down hollywood blvd to bars that i am a lesbian. actually, its not so much telling them as it is yelling "I AM OF NO USE TO YOU, I LIKE GIRLS." they get so upset! the beauty is that they have no way of knowing that i'm lying, because they're too distracted by their jaws hitting the pavement.

happy holidays!
[ 3 little needles ] [ where are you ]

i feel like i've wasted too much of this year on triviality. [17 Nov 2007|02:44pm]
you must shamelessly take what is available.
[ 1 little needle ] [ where are you ]

[31 Oct 2007|09:31pm]
every year halloween just reminds me that the holidays are getting closer and that i am still restless, calculated, and well put-together. why won't i ever fight for what i want? i give up too easily.
[ where are you ]

doing it right. [22 Oct 2007|10:46am]
what a weekend! every year my birthweek continues to trump the previous year.
it technically started last friday (hi pete), continued all weekend til my actual birthday on tuesday, and i'm forcing it to end right now because i should not be allowed to be this reckless with my life/body. i'm going to call vh1 and tell them that they need to do a segment on me for best week ever.
if you came to my party on friday, you were probably trashed because we got a keg and it was empty by 3am and i am SO proud of everyone for stepping it up and doing their part to drink as much as possible. i proclaimed that i would have no fewer than 22 beers and i probably succeeded, because i woke up at 4pm saturday. i wouldn't want it to be any other way on my birthday, especially because starting today i am getting back on my strict regimen of going to the gym 5 days a week and eating perfectly and not drinking. i did it in the spring and it was the best thing i ever did for myself (thank you kat for the best graduation/birthday/christmas gift ever), and am determined to do it again. i owe it to myself.
no one really reads this, i just feel like i have to note that my birthweek was incredible so that i can see this entry and remind myself that i am lucky to have the friends/job/life that i do, and i wouldn't ever want to be any other way. this one's for me.
much love.
[ 3 little needles ] [ where are you ]

I am a ghost. [10 Oct 2007|02:19pm]
i'm floating through various lives that i live, and none of them seem to be converging.

i love my new apartment and i love my job, but something feels unsettled.
my car wants me to be poor and my body wants me to be thin, but only the former is happening.
i have goals that i need to reach for, but i need a reason. what i really need is a new goal. and some direction.

someone help please? too many things have gone wrong in the past few weeks, and no amount of alcohol will make any of them right. i should know, i've been drunk for what seems like weeks.
[ where are you ]

[26 Sep 2007|10:48am]
this is what being a grown up is. you must understand that you can't win them all, and you must learn to deal with disappointment gracefully and keep your dignity in tact.

when your love lets you go you only want love more, even when love wasn't what you were looking for.

the good news is, we're moving on friday/saturday. maybe this will mean new beginnings.
[ 2 little needles ] [ where are you ]

[11 Sep 2007|01:18am]
you can't fight what people are going to say about you, just do your best to behave in a way that says otherwise.

sometimes, you just can't change how something is. just accept it.
[ 2 little needles ] [ where are you ]

[16 Aug 2007|05:32pm]
so here i am. its time to make decisions that could potentially change my life.
my decision? to see what falls in my lap. so far, this has served me well and until it fails me i will continue to believe that life has a plan for me and that i need do as i am told.

i am bursting with secrets that i cant even admit to myself, let alone anyone else. if you only knew.
[ where are you ]

get me out. [25 Jul 2007|02:17pm]

i don't fit in here, i never did. not with these emotional wrecks and self absorbed headcases. i wasn't cut out for musicians, but for some reason i ended up here. now i just want out of this and out of here and to be away from all of this. the normal problems of the world are so much more attractive than a pretty song. 

one month left, and if this much has happened thus far, i'm sending myself into much needed isolation when i get home. someone please have a bahamavention on me. 

none of this shit even matters, and yet it matters too much.

[ 1 little needle ] [ where are you ]

[24 Jun 2007|11:40pm]
its like trying to take a sip of water from niagara falls. all you wanted was a cool, refreshing drink and suddenly you're knocked on your ass, dashed to bits on the rocks below. and you think, "why the fuck did I just do that?" so you find a safer supply of water, only to discover that the babbling brook is excruciatingly boring, and suddenly getting knocked on your ass doesn't seem so bad. so now the only question is: how many times can you suffer a concussion before you're permanently damaged?
[ 1 little needle ] [ where are you ]

________ girl. [24 Jun 2007|01:58am]
i am sick and tired of being put in positions where i have to value my reputation (and by reputation i mean other peoples' opinions) over my own instincts. for once i'd like to be able to secretly make a mistake and just enjoy it, rather than watching it explode all over my neatly (un)planned life. bad decisions feel the best for a reason. resist=regret.
but just to be clear: i will never give up the things that i love for someone that might one day stop loving me. get it now?
i don't want to bore you, but here i go again.
[ 1 little needle ] [ where are you ]

[20 Jun 2007|02:40am]
i don't want to change you, i just want to see you.
[ 3 little needles ] [ where are you ]

[17 Jun 2007|01:52am]
oh hi, i just graduated college.
here's a quick recap of my life as of late:
i drink far too much, spend far too much time by myself but not enough time in the sun, my family is nuts, christina is moving in this week, i leave for tour in a week, and most importantly, i love a boy that i wish i could hate and i hate a boy that i wish i could love.
k that's all bye!
[ where are you ]

[13 Jun 2007|01:35am]
i don't feel like life is finally starting, i feel like it's beginning to end.
never again will i be able to up and go wherever i want and make terrible decisions that will cause great memories and minimal complications.
it's no surprise that i'm restless, confused, cynical and unenthused. this is the end of an era.
let me have this time to bask in my bad decisions.
[ 2 little needles ] [ where are you ]

[26 May 2007|03:04am]
talk is cheap, and it doesn't mean much.
[ 2 little needles ] [ where are you ]

we are never alone. [15 May 2007|10:43pm]
i am so content with the placement of everything right now that i can't bear to think what will happen when it all comes to an end and i leave again. in the mean time, there are so many things to look forward to that i don't even know where to begin.
your silhouette's my favorite, i'm not letting go of it.
[ where are you ]

it really doesn't matter at all in the end. [14 May 2007|07:59pm]
maybe it's just because we had a wine-tasting at work and i'm feeling rather warm & honest..

you feel like home.

and that's all.
[ 1 little needle ] [ where are you ]

copied. [03 May 2007|01:34am]
i can't finish college. i am so beyond over doing things by deadlines and on other peoples' terms. no more papers. no more assignments. no more discussions and reading and notes and videos and commentaries and reviews and exams.

i don't want to pull any more all nighters unless its because i'm watching all six star wars movies back to back or doing a bunch of drugs or driving cross country in a golf cart or swimming with a friendly alligator named hemsley (that one's for you, tiny shrew).

i want to have a million pool parties in the pool i don't have, and see if my skin is capable of being tan. i want to drink beer all day long with my topbros & their topbros too, and i want to own my own gym and an endless supply of cupcakes and chilean sea bass.

i am losing my mind and rubi is threatening to beat me with a kitchen spoon.

let's get wild and answer to no one.

hard to be smart when you're young,
miss rachel.
[ 9 little needles ] [ where are you ]

[20 Apr 2007|01:44am]
i have a temper lately. maybe it's the result of chemical imbalances that are entirely out of my control, or maybe it's just my overwhelming frustration with things and people in general. i'll know by next week which one is to blame.
as for now, shut up and give me cupcakes and nikes, and don't push me in whatever direction it is that you want me to go. don't start thinking it's okay to try to start over, because some things were never meant to be fixed. don't start taking me for granted. don't assume you know anything about anything, especially me. don't tell me things you don't mean.
don't do any of those things because i will walk away without a single word. and if you stop me, i'll come back with a fight. i don't respond well to expectations, because i have to operate on my own terms and with my own timing.
do treat me with respect and consideration, and do have good intentions.

thank you and goodnight.
[ 2 little needles ] [ where are you ]

our love will last til we die. [16 Apr 2007|02:31am]
piece by piece, i can feel it slipping away. i can feel her slipping away. i can feel you slipping away (and me pulling away). i have to get out of here before it's too late to say goodbye. and i have to get out of there before its too late to salvage my dignity.

it's not getting better because i'm not doing anything about it.
to be honest, it's because

i am scared of e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

[ 2 little needles ] [ where are you ]

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