you'll get it right sometime. you will.

she goes left and you stay right.

2007-12-09T22:37:42Z

tick-tock, you're not a clock. you're a time bomb, baby.

every year like clockwork you have this weird freak out where you feel that you HAVE to be in a relationship and you jump into one with the first girl you get your hands on. do you realize that you've consistently done it for 3 winters straight? you're so predictable!

so next time you ask to get matching tattoos and i tell you that i don't trust you and in turn you complain that you've fucked up too many times with me, do yourself a favor and DONT PROVE YOURSELF RIGHT.

the worst thing you could do to yourself is be what you say you're not.

i'm not angry, i'm amused. flabbergasted. oh, and over it!

we'll always be friends. but i will never, ever, ever take you seriously. i don't care how many birthday presents you buy me, how many nice things you say, how many records you give me, because the minute i don't give you the attention you crave, you seek it elsewhere. you can't buy integrity, or trust for that matter. you are the loneliest boy i have ever met.

oh! sidenote: my new favorite activity is telling the idiots that hit on me as i walk down hollywood blvd to bars that i am a lesbian. actually, its not so much telling them as it is yelling "I AM OF NO USE TO YOU, I LIKE GIRLS." they get so upset! the beauty is that they have no way of knowing that i'm lying, because they're too distracted by their jaws hitting the pavement.

happy holidays!

i feel like i've wasted too much of this year on triviality.

2007-11-17T19:55:39Z

you must shamelessly take what is available.

ourdemise @ 2007-10-31T21:31:00

2007-11-01T04:34:02Z

every year halloween just reminds me that the holidays are getting closer and that i am still restless, calculated, and well put-together. why won't i ever fight for what i want? i give up too easily.

doing it right.

2007-10-22T18:13:05Z

what a weekend! every year my birthweek continues to trump the previous year.
it technically started last friday (hi pete), continued all weekend til my actual birthday on tuesday, and i'm forcing it to end right now because i should not be allowed to be this reckless with my life/body. i'm going to call vh1 and tell them that they need to do a segment on me for best week ever.
if you came to my party on friday, you were probably trashed because we got a keg and it was empty by 3am and i am SO proud of everyone for stepping it up and doing their part to drink as much as possible. i proclaimed that i would have no fewer than 22 beers and i probably succeeded, because i woke up at 4pm saturday. i wouldn't want it to be any other way on my birthday, especially because starting today i am getting back on my strict regimen of going to the gym 5 days a week and eating perfectly and not drinking. i did it in the spring and it was the best thing i ever did for myself (thank you kat for the best graduation/birthday/christmas gift ever), and am determined to do it again. i owe it to myself.
no one really reads this, i just feel like i have to note that my birthweek was incredible so that i can see this entry and remind myself that i am lucky to have the friends/job/life that i do, and i wouldn't ever want to be any other way. this one's for me.
much love.

I am a ghost.

2007-10-10T21:25:17Z

i'm floating through various lives that i live, and none of them seem to be converging.

i love my new apartment and i love my job, but something feels unsettled.
my car wants me to be poor and my body wants me to be thin, but only the former is happening.
i have goals that i need to reach for, but i need a reason. what i really need is a new goal. and some direction.

someone help please? too many things have gone wrong in the past few weeks, and no amount of alcohol will make any of them right. i should know, i've been drunk for what seems like weeks.

ourdemise @ 2007-09-26T10:48:00

2007-09-26T18:17:01Z

this is what being a grown up is. you must understand that you can't win them all, and you must learn to deal with disappointment gracefully and keep your dignity in tact.

when your love lets you go you only want love more, even when love wasn't what you were looking for.

the good news is, we're moving on friday/saturday. maybe this will mean new beginnings.

ourdemise @ 2007-09-11T01:18:00

2007-09-11T08:18:57Z

you can't fight what people are going to say about you, just do your best to behave in a way that says otherwise.

sometimes, you just can't change how something is. just accept it.

ourdemise @ 2007-08-16T17:32:00

2007-08-17T00:35:43Z

so here i am. its time to make decisions that could potentially change my life.
my decision? to see what falls in my lap. so far, this has served me well and until it fails me i will continue to believe that life has a plan for me and that i need do as i am told.

i am bursting with secrets that i cant even admit to myself, let alone anyone else. if you only knew.

get me out.

2007-07-25T21:22:37Z

i don't fit in here, i never did. not with these emotional wrecks and self absorbed headcases. i wasn't cut out for musicians, but for some reason i ended up here. now i just want out of this and out of here and to be away from all of this. the normal problems of the world are so much more attractive than a pretty song.

one month left, and if this much has happened thus far, i'm sending myself into much needed isolation when i get home. someone please have a bahamavention on me.

none of this shit even matters, and yet it matters too much.

ourdemise @ 2007-06-24T23:40:00

2007-06-24T23:52:31Z

its like trying to take a sip of water from niagara falls. all you wanted was a cool, refreshing drink and suddenly you're knocked on your ass, dashed to bits on the rocks below. and you think, "why the fuck did I just do that?" so you find a safer supply of water, only to discover that the babbling brook is excruciatingly boring, and suddenly getting knocked on your ass doesn't seem so bad. so now the only question is: how many times can you suffer a concussion before you're permanently damaged?

________ girl.

2007-06-24T09:05:49Z

i am sick and tired of being put in positions where i have to value my reputation (and by reputation i mean other peoples' opinions) over my own instincts. for once i'd like to be able to secretly make a mistake and just enjoy it, rather than watching it explode all over my neatly (un)planned life. bad decisions feel the best for a reason. resist=regret.
but just to be clear: i will never give up the things that i love for someone that might one day stop loving me. get it now?
i don't want to bore you, but here i go again.

ourdemise @ 2007-06-20T02:40:00

2007-06-20T09:41:09Z

i don't want to change you, i just want to see you.

ourdemise @ 2007-06-17T01:52:00

2007-06-17T08:54:20Z

oh hi, i just graduated college.
here's a quick recap of my life as of late:
i drink far too much, spend far too much time by myself but not enough time in the sun, my family is nuts, christina is moving in this week, i leave for tour in a week, and most importantly, i love a boy that i wish i could hate and i hate a boy that i wish i could love.
k that's all bye!

ourdemise @ 2007-06-13T01:35:00

2007-06-13T08:36:27Z

i don't feel like life is finally starting, i feel like it's beginning to end.
never again will i be able to up and go wherever i want and make terrible decisions that will cause great memories and minimal complications.
it's no surprise that i'm restless, confused, cynical and unenthused. this is the end of an era.
let me have this time to bask in my bad decisions.

ourdemise @ 2007-05-26T03:04:00

2007-05-26T10:04:45Z

talk is cheap, and it doesn't mean much.

we are never alone.

2007-05-16T05:47:26Z

i am so content with the placement of everything right now that i can't bear to think what will happen when it all comes to an end and i leave again. in the mean time, there are so many things to look forward to that i don't even know where to begin.
your silhouette's my favorite, i'm not letting go of it.

it really doesn't matter at all in the end.

2007-05-15T03:00:21Z

maybe it's just because we had a wine-tasting at work and i'm feeling rather warm & honest..
but

you feel like home.

and that's all.

copied.

2007-05-03T08:34:58Z

i can't finish college. i am so beyond over doing things by deadlines and on other peoples' terms. no more papers. no more assignments. no more discussions and reading and notes and videos and commentaries and reviews and exams.

i don't want to pull any more all nighters unless its because i'm watching all six star wars movies back to back or doing a bunch of drugs or driving cross country in a golf cart or swimming with a friendly alligator named hemsley (that one's for you, tiny shrew).

i want to have a million pool parties in the pool i don't have, and see if my skin is capable of being tan. i want to drink beer all day long with my topbros & their topbros too, and i want to own my own gym and an endless supply of cupcakes and chilean sea bass.

i am losing my mind and rubi is threatening to beat me with a kitchen spoon.

let's get wild and answer to no one.

hard to be smart when you're young,
miss rachel.

ourdemise @ 2007-04-20T01:44:00

2007-04-20T08:44:52Z

i have a temper lately. maybe it's the result of chemical imbalances that are entirely out of my control, or maybe it's just my overwhelming frustration with things and people in general. i'll know by next week which one is to blame.
as for now, shut up and give me cupcakes and nikes, and don't push me in whatever direction it is that you want me to go. don't start thinking it's okay to try to start over, because some things were never meant to be fixed. don't start taking me for granted. don't assume you know anything about anything, especially me. don't tell me things you don't mean.
don't do any of those things because i will walk away without a single word. and if you stop me, i'll come back with a fight. i don't respond well to expectations, because i have to operate on my own terms and with my own timing.
do treat me with respect and consideration, and do have good intentions.

thank you and goodnight.

our love will last til we die.

2007-04-16T09:35:23Z

piece by piece, i can feel it slipping away. i can feel her slipping away. i can feel you slipping away (and me pulling away). i have to get out of here before it's too late to say goodbye. and i have to get out of there before its too late to salvage my dignity.

it's not getting better because i'm not doing anything about it.
to be honest, it's because

i am scared of e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

ourdemise @ 2007-04-14T11:32:00

2007-04-14T18:43:59Z

Saturday, April 14, 2007
Libra Daily Horoscope:

Withdrawing from emotional social contact is favored now, for even when you are with others you are likely to feel separate and alone. Sadness and disappointments in your personal life are also probable now. Inadequacies and flaws in your friends or lovers are particularly bothersome to you now, and you may feel that you have nearly exhausted your patience for dealing with these problems. It is a time to be quiet and to look objectively at how your relationships are going. Though not a pleasurable time, this can be a fruitful period in which to learn more about love and what you truly value.

ourdemise @ 2007-04-04T23:22:00

2007-04-05T06:22:29Z

NO NO NO.
this is not what's supposed to happen.

my momma never warned me about my own destructive appetite.

2007-04-02T07:46:15Z

we could be happy. all of us.
to anyone that doesn't live inside my soul, the decision is easy. but it's far from that and i'm holding out as hard as i possibly can.

it's a tug-o-war on my brain and not my heart, because i'm not throwing that card down until it's time to call someone's bluff. maybe it'll be mine, but the point isn't who played with the best strategy and stayed in the game the longest, it's who walks away with all the chips to be cashed in. isn't it? i'm getting games crossed with life, or maybe i'm not. is there even a difference?

it's a roll of the dice and the odds of getting the 4-5-6 that i'm praying for are just as low as scoring that 1-2-3. so maybe it won't be all that bad, because anything in between is satisfactory. but who ever wanted to achieve 'good enough' when they could shoot for 'perfect score'? looks like i'm full of questions again, and i have no fucking answers.

i'm here to say.. fuck your answers. i've got none and you don't either, so let's just have a beer and enjoy everything around us and inside us. after all, our resolution was 'more soul 07'. we may not have meant for it to be like this, but now that it is we might as well give it all we've got. there's still time to salvage 07 and turn it around. we'll just do it in ways we never imagined we would.

all signs point to..
you tell me.

let's play the indecisive game. i'll always win that one.

ourdemise @ 2007-03-28T02:06:00

2007-03-28T09:08:55Z

i'd like to focus on something bigger than my thoughts.

i spend my days halfway between asleep and awake, halfway between sober and too intoxicated to see straight.
without boundaries or reasons/still in awe,
me.

americans abroad!

2007-03-22T06:02:41Z

it's okay to be so tired that you might throw up, as long as the days behind you were glorious and the days to come will be even better.
and to be clear, the days behind were glorious, full of fabulous new friends, best friends, warm coats, high tea and kebabs and paella, drunken behavior (even when sober), don king, and music that can turn any mood around.
and the days to come are going to be even better, with unicorns, pool parties and loved ones, favorite far-away-friends/secret loves, and as you might expect, some drunken behavior.

i left this town only to find that i can't wait to leave it for good, but also that i was endlessly relieved to return to it. confusing? extremely. but one day we'll live in chelsea. i don't know if it will be the one 3000 miles or 6000 miles away, but it will surely be one of them. maybe even both.

and being gone seems to remind some people that you exist. apologies accepted, but offers rejected. considerations made, but never to be returned to. it can't ever be the same again. shame on me.
you always said that you could forgive and never forget, but you never asked if i could.

of course i can.